KOOL-AID MAN DESTROYS HOME, RUINS PARTY
Tragedy struck Monday afternoon at a birthday
party for local kid Billy Spence when a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid burst through
a wall & trampled seven children. "Bill was so excited to be turning
ten," his mother said. "Too bad it was spoiled by all his
friends dying." The party had gotten off to a great start earlier that
day, with Billy & his classmates enjoying cake & playing games. Then, as
Billy began opening his presents, 9-year-old Joey Kirk spoke his fateful last
words: "Hey Mrs. Spence, is there more Kool-Aid?"
Before she could answer, there was a rumbling from outside, & amid a shout
of "OH YEAH!"
the kitchen wall collapsed, crushing several of the children. What has been
described as a giant red pitcher of Kool-Aid with arms and legs burst through
the rubble & poured a glass for Joey, whose legs had been crushed in the
accident.
"It’s all sort of a blur, 'cause I was getting so dizzy,"
said Joey, "but I’m pretty sure he started break-dancing, & he
kept trying to high-five everybody. Most of the kids couldn’t high-five
anymore, though, you know, 'cause of the dying."
As Billy, his mother & the surviving partygoers scattered throughout the
house, their attacker, known now as "Kool-Aid Man," strutted
down the street, holding the Spence-family stereo on his shoulder & snapping
his fingers. "The sad part," Mrs. Spence said, "Is that
we didn’t even need more Kool-Aid; there was already some in the fridge."
Although more deaths have yet to be reported, Kool-Aid Man was spotted later on
a local basketball court, moonwalking & wearing a giant headband.